For a parent, when a child takes their own life it is as if the whole of our life is changed in an instant and we feel as if we will never be OK again

Are you struggling to find meaning in your life after the death of a precious child who has taken their own life?

It has been a while now and it is clear to you that there is no ‘going back to normal’ and you don’t want that anyway as it feels as if you might be leaving your child behind.

Your life has changed, almost beyond recognition in some ways. You want to recover your joy in life and happiness but you doubt whether this is truly possible.

You’ve got so good at wearing a mask out in the world that few people know how things really are for you and living this double life is exhausting.

My Story

I'm Davina and my nineteen- year-old son died by his own hand in 2004 and my whole life changed overnight. The experience of loss in the initial days and weeks was like a massively powerful and all consuming storm and its aftermath is still so present in my life. I knew from the early days that I needed to walk forwards, even when it seemed virtually impossible to do that. I have learnt so much about what works for me and what doesn't in being able to live with this most challenging of experiences, what supports me and what works against me, in my efforts to learn to live with this profoundly painful and life changing experience.

It was the kind of death that drew assumptions and judgement to my son and to me, as his mother, from others. It was the kind of loss that people shy away from and attempt to distance from themselves in the mistaken belief that it couldn’t happen to them. So in some respects it was the kind of experience of loss that very few people could listen to or understand and I felt so isolated for a long time.

Many other similarly bereaved parents have shared their experiences with me about what has helped and supported them and, whilst this is different for each of us, there are some common threads.

Through my experience and through connecting with others I want to help you to find out what is likely to work for you to help you find your way in your life.

Does your life feel as if it is in two very separate pieces; before your child died and after they died?
Do you wear a mask out in the world so that no-one really knows how you are?
Does it feel as if no-one understands how it is for you so that you feel alone in your grief?
Do people avoid mentioning your son or daughter in case they ‘upset’ you?
Do you struggle with family occasions, birthdays and anniversaries, not really knowing how to mark them or even dreading them?
Do you worry that you are leaving your child behind as time passes?

Maybe you want to…

Feel less isolated from the other people around you and be able to put down the mask you wear to go out in the world.
Develop some strategies for being present to the thoughts and feelings that you experience without getting overwhelmed.
Work out how to include your daughter or your son in family occasions and gatherings in ways that are OK for you.
Reflect on your current relationship with your child and how to stay connected with them.
Work out how to communicate with your partner, family and friends about your needs (and theirs too) around your son or daughter.
Be confident that you are not taking up too much space when you want to talk about your child or your experience.

“It seems as if only other parents who have experienced a loss like mine are ever going to understand how it is for me.”

— MOTHER OF p. AGED 15

“Connecting with other people who really knew was such a relief after hiding how I felt most of the time.”

— MOTHER OF T. aged 29

“You need to do whatever it is that you need to do—there is no right way to do this.”

Davina 2020

For more about Davina →

“Talking with other bereaved parents I realised that all our lives are different than before and that part is OK—the other part will never be OK.”

— father of J. aged 19

What brought me to this work…

In the early hours of a chill Autumn morning, over 16 years ago, I was woken by the crunch of gravel and a loud knock. I struggled to breathe as a police officer, fighting back his tears, told me that my 6’2”, handsome and clever son had died a few hours earlier.

It was as if my whole life had been dropped from a great height and completely shattered. And then I was told he had died by his own hand. Everything, and I mean everything, was changed in an instant.

Some things helped a lot

I have done a lot of things over the years that have helped, and some of them have helped a lot.

I had the support of a wonderful therapist who accompanied me through the depths of grief in those early weeks and months and then later another amazing therapist who I shared all the rest of my life ‘stuff’ with. I found out that, to my confusion, experiencing profound loss accentuates rather than overshadows all the challenging family dynamics and life issues so there was much to attend to. And, of course life continues to throw curve balls into my path and I have had a lot of practice at negotiating these.

I joined a writing group and I still find that writing down my complicated thoughts and feelings is a really helpful way to process them.

I changed my career by training as a psychotherapist and I moved to live by the sea. I began to walk on the coast-path and listened to podcasts on a wide range of topics. I have explored ways to understand myself and the world spiritually—not in a religious sense, but to do with the mystery of what lies beyond the everyday and how to connect with that.

And books! I have read, studied, learned from and been inspired by other writers through probably hundreds of books (maybe thousands) and maintain in progress reading piles in every room in the house.

Very importantly, I had some really helpful contact with other bereaved parents and formed new friendships. I have had to work out new ways of living and new ways of connecting with my family and friends, ways that are right for me.