I am writing about the shame of not belonging
“A child needs to know that they belong, exactly as they are, and much of this is beyond the reach of a mother.”
— Davina Robertson
I am writing about the injustices of our education system, particularly for those of us whose neurobiology and trauma history leave us struggling within its rigid structures.
I am exploring the profound shame of not belonging, describing how we’re forced to change ourselves to fit what’s on offer, sometimes at devastating personal cost.
My son was castigated, punished and excluded
My son Sam was first excluded from school aged 6. He was finally excluded from the student union bar at Nottingham university aged 19. He took his own life that night.
From a young age he was identified as ‘gifted’ but not recognised as having a unique neurobiology that required a different approach in order for him to be able to learn or to be OK. His struggles to conform in school were misunderstood as behavioural problems, emotional damage or bad parenting on my part and he was castigated, punished and excluded.
I needed to find a sufficiently peaceful heart in order to be able to tell his story
Twenty years passed before I could find a sufficiently peaceful heart to be able to tell his story. Then I saw the pattern repeating with my grandson, and I realised it was repeating everywhere and that Sam’s story urgently needs to be heard.
So I dragged a cardboard box down from the attic, full of yellowing school reports and assessments, and heartbreaking memorabilia and I sat down to write Sam’s story.
As I wrote, my shame and confusion started to clear
After a while I started to see the parallels between his experience at school in the 1990s and my own experience in the 1970s. As I wrote, my deeply held shame and confusion finally started to clear around my own experience in school and beyond. I wasn’t bad and I never had been bad. I was a good, not perfect, but good enough mother.
The problem wasn’t with us but with the schools, education systems and communities
My son wasn’t bad either and I saw that he and I, as well as many of the other children I was aware of, each has a unique neurobiology that requires the right conditions if we are to thrive. The problem wasn’t with us but with the schools, education systems and communities that we were trying to fit into.
